Scottsdale Family Pictures | Colleen and Will’s Infertility & Infant Loss Survivor Story

Today I’m sharing a few favorites from Colleen and Will’s family pictures along with their infertility and infant loss survivor story.  As you can tell from that title, these guys have been through some heartbreaking times.  Their faith and strength through it all is so inspiring to me and it was wonderful to get to know them better when I met them at the Scottsdale Civic Center for their photo session!  I hope their story will bring validation and comfort to anyone else who has felt the same feelings of loss that Colleen has bravely shared here.  Thanks so much for letting me photograph your beautiful family and for sharing your story, Colleen and Will!

Colleen & Will’s Infertility & Infant Loss Survivor Story
written by Colleen

A little background about you as a couple
My husband Will and I met at a University of Arizona alumni happy hour event at Dave and Busters in Tempe in August of 2009. I was 32 and he was 29. We both went to college there but didn’t meet until years later at this event 😊. I was the social chair of the alumni group at the time and was in charge of setting up that event. I had been talking on the phone with my mom when he walked in and I had to let her go quickly because I thought he was really cute 😉. We wound up clicking right off the bat after we met and started dating and the rest his history. Then we got married in June of 2011 when I was 34 and he was 31 and couldn’t wait to have children and grow our family.

Your infertility story
We started trying for our first child in January 2012 when I was 34 years and 9 months. At the time I was naïve to any possible infertility issues and thought that it wouldn’t be difficult to get pregnant. I had learned when we first got married that my sister was diagnosed with PCOS but since my cycles had always usually been normal, I didn’t think I had it. I had a lot to learn. PCOS is inherited and after 8 months of ttc without success (with my cycles then becoming completely irregular after ttc for 5 months), I decided to go to the doctor and get some tests done. Sure enough in December 2012 I learned that I too had PCOS. Something else that I never really thought too much about was the fact that my grandmother on my mom’s side, took 5 years to get pregnant with my mom and wasn’t able to have anymore kids. My sister and I firmly believe now that we inherited our PCOS from her (even though back then it most likely wasn’t called that yet). My mom had 4 of us siblings with no problems so the infertility clearly skipped a generation. So after learning my diagnosis, I had an HSG done which made sure my tubes weren’t blocked (and they weren’t) and I was put on Clomid and the HCG trigger shot in February of 2013. After 3 rounds of that, we finally conceived. I’ll never forget how I felt that night when I finally saw those 2 pink lines on April 28th, 2013. When I was age 36 years and 8 months, our daughter Audrey Kathleen Patton was born 3 1/2 weeks early on December 14th, 2013 weighing in at a tiny 5lbs 8oz. and we could not have been more on cloud nine that morning! It was truly just the most magical moment when they placed her on my chest and I will never forget it and I thank God every day for giving that moment to me. She is my everything and I’m just so lucky to have her.

10 months later, I came back off the pill again and we decided a month after that to start trying again for baby #2 since I was 37 and wasn’t getting any younger. Our plan was to try for 3 cycles and if nothing, go back on the Clomid since we knew what my issue was. Well surprisingly on the third cycle we got pregnant without any help. I was shocked. We were just so excited. We also learned it was a little boy after my first trimester screening blood test results came out when I was 11 weeks. Sadly that excitement turned to turmoil as we learned at my 20 week scan that our son was diagnosed with a birth defect known as a congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH. His little diaphragm had not closed properly and the tip of his liver, partial intestines, and stomach were all up in his chest cavity pushing as heart far over to the right and already restricting his lung growth. He was given a 50% chance of surviving after birth and we were asked if we wanted to terminate. Devastation was one of many words that I can think of to describe the emotions we felt that day. Aborting him was not an option and they told us 50% so of course I was not about to give up on him. Sadly by the end of my pregnancy all of his organs had gone up into his chest cavity including all of his liver. When I was 38 1/2, Our sweet Derek Michael Patton was born on October 6th, 2015 and gained his wings on October 12th, 2015. I don’t think I will ever be able to find enough words in the English language to describe the pain we went through that night losing him. A piece of me went with him and I will never be the same person again. There really is no greater pain than losing a child who you created, who you carried for 9 months. Miss him more and more everyday 😢. He would’ve been 2 currently.

4 months later in February 2016 when I was 2 months shy of turning 39, we started trying again for our rainbow. Again I think I was naïve as I thought since it didn’t take us long with Derek that it hopefully would be the same this time around. I was very wrong. By June 2016 I decided to see fertility specialist again and starting in July I was put back on Clomid and after 5 rounds on that, 2 rounds of Femara, 2 failed IUIs, I realized that my body just was not capable of getting pregnant again. My cycles have also always been completely normal since having my daughter so my issues weren’t that I wasn’t ovulating. Just wasn’t sure why it wasn’t happening and I felt like such a failure to both my husband and daughter. To have to live with this beautiful little girl of mine telling me how much she misses her brother now and how much she wants a little sibling here, is gut wrenching and just the hardest thing in the world. So at the end of March 2017 (days before my 40th Birthday), we made the decision to pursue IVF. It was definitely a hard decision to make and I just couldn’t believe we were even having to talk about it. Our first round, I had 14 follicles, 8 eggs retrieved, 6 fertilized, 4 made it to blast, and got 1 PGS tested normal. We learned it was another girl. I cried my eyes out after that phone call and especially because my daughter had been asking for a while for a little sister. I just had this strong feeling in my heart that this was our miracle we had been waiting for. Only I didn’t realize at the time just how low of quality our embryos were, ranging from C to E grade out of an A-F scale. I purposely didn’t ask my doctor about that because I knew that it didn’t necessarily mean a whole lot and that people have successfully gotten pregnant through IVF with grading in that range. We transferred our one embryo and actually did get pregnant and once again (found out on Sept 27th, 2017) and seeing those 2 pink lines was surreal. A week later, we lost it. I also discovered it was a grade DE embryo and that is most likely why we lost it. Once again I had to experience the feeling of heart shattering devastation. This also occurred just days before our son’s 2nd heavenly birthday. The timing of that was unreal. After taking a cycle off, we made the decision to give it one last shot and after that if it didn’t work, to be at peace with not continuing anymore fertility treatments as we have just been through so so much. Well our 2nd round did not prove to be successful once again. 14 follicles, 6 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized, 3 made it to blast and sent for PGS testing, no normal. All we’re also low quality once again. Got that phone call a week before Christmas. I was not only devastated once again but I was angry. I was so very angry. I came to the conclusion that all along it has probably been my egg quality and that is why we have had such a hard time and that Audrey truly is my miracle baby. Will’s sperm has always checked out perfectly fine quality and quantity wise. I have to admit throughout this entire journey there were so many times that I was angry with God but I could never remain angry at him and I would always just pick myself up and keep moving forward. I was so angry this time again but once again I had to pick myself up and realize that I could never lose my faith in him and that it’s because of that faith that I had, is what has helped me to get through all of this. So after an emotional week that week, this new feeling just came over me and it was a feeling of peace that I had not experienced in so long. I thought about my daughter and I thought about how badly I wanted one more child to complete our family, how badly I just wanted to witness her loving on a little sibling, but then I realized the day she was born I could not have felt more complete. She makes me the happiest person alive and it was her that I was going to focus my energy on from this point forward. She is also close with her cousins out here and that makes me so so happy. I also want to focus my energy on my husband and our marriage and just get our lives back. Our lives will never be the same again but we do have so much to be blessed about and at this point it is 100% in gods hands and if it’s still meant to be to grow our family, it’ll still happen even if it’s not through IVF. In the meantime I’m going to try my hardest to just enjoy my life as much as I possibly can and continue to live my life to the fullest for my son. 💙

What would you say is the hardest thing about infertility?
The hardest thing is just feeling like such a failure and constantly questioning what have I done wrong, or am I being punished and having to see so many people surrounding you getting pregnant easily and moving past you. It is so so hard. Jealousy feelings just take over you and it’s a hard thing to kick. Another thing that’s hard is when you have to listen to other moms complain about their kids or their pregnancies and thinking that they don’t know how lucky they have it and how they should just appreciate what they have.

Are there any ways you have grown stronger as a person/couple as a result of infertility?
We have not only been through infertility but also child loss and we are still together. It definitely has not been easy and I do feel like some of the passion was lost throughout all of this but still being together right now makes me realize how strong of a couple we are. Now that we officially made the decision that we are no longer trying anymore, I already feel like some of the passion is coming back. Is my heart always going to hurt that we were not successful, it absolutely is, but I am so ready to move forward and start saving our money for fun things like traveling or home improvements. We just need it so bad. It will always sting with how much money we spent on this to come out empty-handed. I will admit that, but we will rise out of this and we will be ok. I also know God will see us through this and to be honest, I still have not lost all my hope yet with my dreams of having one more child.

Are there any resources that have helped you emotionally/spiritually through your infertility journey?
I found comfort through several support groups that I joined through Facebook believe it or not. Through these support groups, I have gotten to meet several amazing women in person who truly get it and understand what I’m going through and I can’t even begin to explain how comforting that is. Not that any of us should ever have to be a part of this infertility group or mom loss group for that matter, but I have become the best of friends with a lot of these girls and I am thankful for them. Of course the most important resource that has helped me spiritually is just never losing my faith in God despite all the times that I couldn’t help feeling angry and defeated and sad.

Is there anything you wish people who don’t struggle with infertility knew?
I just wish they knew how lucky they were. I understand parenthood isn’t always easy but don’t come complaining to me about sleep deprivation and how awful it is when there are so many women out there who would give anything in the world to have sleep deprivation with a child at home instead of not being able to sleep because of no child at home. Life is precious, children are precious and a huge blessing and should never be taken for granted.

What advice would you give to someone else who is currently going through infertility?
My advice is to just take it one day at a time. Especially if you have to go through IVF. If you look too far ahead into it, it may drive you nuts as IVF can be a time-consuming process. Taking it one day at time will definitely help you to stay sane. As hard as it may be, never lose faith. I didn’t get the outcome I’d hoped for this time around but I did back in 2013. I never gave up, I never lost faith and I will thank God every day for the rest my life for my daughter Audrey!